Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
