shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
All I want is dick and wine.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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