i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
