I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
