it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
