Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
