I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My ass is underappreciated
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
