I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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