It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
