I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
