All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament