He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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