I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it's like iHOP with fire
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
