someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Barsexuality is the new black.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
