I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
