I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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