is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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