She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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