my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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