I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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