had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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