you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
