You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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