i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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