And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
