I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
