I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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