So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
