Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
