I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Shame - the story of my life.
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