I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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