my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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