I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
