'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I don't think brook has ever known best
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Let's get the cat blown out
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
