i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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