You really coming over, don't trick.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
