Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week