Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Found your dick twin last night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
