Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
