I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Couch. On fire.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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