THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
