Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
