Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My vagina is officially offended.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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