Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
