I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
