it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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