my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
