they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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