I smell stomach acid.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
