Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
