I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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