listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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