AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize