Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
