she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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