He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
