part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
